It's Mine

1. If I like it, it's mine
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine
8. If I saw it first, it's mine
9. If you are playing with it and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine
10. If it's broken, it's yours -- but the extra pieces are probably mine
11. I can change the rules anytime I want to, because they are mine

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.  In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow.  Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.  She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.   She simply had to know.  She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

SOMERSET, N.J. -- (APS) COMMANDMENTS THAT GUYS WISH WOMEN KNEW.

1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3) Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present again.
4) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5) Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6) Don't ask what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint,computers, and carburetors.
7) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
8) Shopping is not sport.
9) Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10) You have enough clothes.
11) You have too many shoes.
12) Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
13) Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
14) No, we don't know what day it is. We never will mark anniversaries on a calendar.
15) Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
16) Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes -- what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
17) "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
18) A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
19) Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
20) Films starring Barbara Streisand are for Girls Night Out.
21) Change your oil.
22) Don't give us rules.
23) Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
24) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
25) Anything we said 6 to 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
26) If you don't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
27) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
28) Let us ogle. If we don't look at the other women, how can we know how gorgeous you are?
29) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
30) You can either ask us us to do something -- O-R -- tell us how you want it done -- NOT BOTH.
31) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
32) Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
33) Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
34) Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do. 

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You’ve got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed-I don’t really care where. I’m completely exhausted."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I’m sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I’ll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

The manager asked him how he survived.

"Never better." John said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How’d you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Good night, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me."

THE BILL OF NO RIGHTS!

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, or pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone, not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the World is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in free health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness -which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

LITTLE KNOWN BITS OF TRIVIA

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animals having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Corporate has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. (See below)

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan. 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

1. No Y2K problems

2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Thank you

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?